Coral Bay – the place to go for waves, body-boarding and chilling on the beach. Plus a hefty dose of mortification if you are me.

I’ve been desperate for some fun in the sea. It’s at its best in September and October – warmed after months of intense heat. It’s the first thing I see when I open the bedroom blinds in the morning, beckoning me in. But Matt’s been in the UK a lot and I won’t take Herc and Goobie in the sea if I’m the only adult. So, on Matt’s first weekend back in Cyprus, we headed out to the sea.

Coral Bay is one of my favourite places for sea fun. Topped only by Lara Bay, which is further north, less touristy and more beautiful. But we couldn’t be arsed to drive quite that far this time. Coral Bay is just a few kilometres north of Paphos on the west coast.

Yes, it’s a tourist resort, a bit tacky and the beauty of the bay is marred by rows of sunbeds. And yet it has a fun atmosphere, lots of restaurants and good parking. The beach is sandy and there are showers (€1), loos and changing rooms nearby. We’ve never been in the height of the holiday season, when I imagine this place gets rammed. But by late September the worst of the crowds have gone.

I’ll be honest, I don’t do chilling on the beach. Sun loungers are for having somewhere to sit while you apply suncream and eat some sarnies. Lying flat on a sun lounger with the intention of Doing Nothing is torture to me. That said, we hired two sunbeds and an umbrella for €7.50 and had some lunch.

While we ate, I looked out at the sea, a bit disappointed. The waves weren’t as big as the last time we were here. But it was still early. Late afternoon is the best time for waves.

I brought my mum here last October when the waves were massive. She loves the sea as much as I do. But I quickly realised that people love the sea in different ways. For me, I love the exhilarating energy of the waves. I love the sea creatures. And most intensely, I love going to sleep at night to the sound of waves and waking up to beautiful sunrises that paint the sea pink and purple.

My mum, I realised, just loves standing absolutely still in the sea, the water coming no further than her waist. She stares at the horizon, soaking it all up. But Coral Bay isn’t a place of stillness. It’s a place of rolling waves, surf and playfulness. And, as if to prove a point, it sent its biggest wave right at my mum’s head, sending her arse-over-tit into a maelstrom of sandy foam. We pissed ourselves laughing.

Perhaps it was karma, but the waves had a mischievous plan for me too. After lunch, we bounded into the sea, body-boards under our arms. The waves hadn’t got any bigger so I wore just my bikini and a rash vest. There were loads of people in the water with us, playing on inflatables or just enjoying the rise and fall of the waves.

I helped Goobie catch a couple of waves and then had a go myself. A particularly juicy wave was heading in my direction and so I hopped on the board and started paddling. I felt that brilliant rush the moment you catch a wave and its energy takes over and sends you zooming through the water.

The sea swept me onto the shore, lying on my stomach in the sand.

But something felt odd.

Something felt very wrong indeed.

I looked back. And there was my very white arse, sticking out of the water like a snow-covered island in the Arctic sea.

‘Hello!’ it said cheerfully to the whole of Coral Bay.

My bikini bottoms had gone AWOL.

I did a weird backwards crawl into the sea, suppressing the urge to roll over to hide my grinning arse cheeks. I realised just in time that rolling over would reveal something far more mortifying – my front bottom.

Back in deeper water, I retrieved my mutinous bikini bottoms from around my ankles and pulled them up. All the while trying very hard not to catch the eye of the countless witnesses around me.

I walked back to the sunbeds, faking nonchalance, while really my insides were curling in on themselves with embarrassment. I put on my board shorts, thinking about all the gorgeous surfer-girls I’d seen in Hawaii, catching waves in tiny bikinis. How do their bikinis manage to stay on? Waterproof bum tape??

I watched my family out in the sea, splashing, jumping, squealing with laughter. And I thought, bugger it. It was just a bit of bum. Well, a lot of bum. But we’ve all seen bums before. And my bum’s so white it probably blinded everyone anyway.

And with that thought, I raced back into the sea to join my family for an afternoon of fun.

Board shorts tightly laced.